Part 2 of 3: This is Part 2 in this series of blog posts on empathy. Click Here to read Part 1

In Part 1, I encouraged being more like a therapist and covered the importance of listening to stakeholders and customers to build relationships. In Part 2, I will address how to build a foundation to those relationships, and it starts with being your authentic self.

Therapists stress being genuine with their patients. Why? Because we simply don’t trust anyone who comes off as fake or phony. Why would you want to work with anyone you don’t trust?

“Esse quam videri” (To be rather than to seem)

– Latin phrase

I love that latin phrase. It is actually the Croft surname motto (I don’t know how true that is, but the internet says so.) Whatever is true about that Latin phrase, it is what my family believes: be authentic, be you.

“The relationship we have with ourselves determines the relationships we will have with others. If we don’t accept who we are, if we are uncomfortable with ourselves, if we don’t know our strengths and weaknesses, if we aren’t authentic, then the attempts we make to connect with others will misfire.”

– John C. Maxwell, The 16 Undeniable Laws of Communication

People will see when you are not authentic. This requires self awareness. Get comfortable with who you are. Get to know and like yourself. Get to know the things that make you, you. Then, you can start to create genuine connections with others.

Connect

Learn their tools, create connections, create a rapport, use small words… Altogether, these emphasize connecting with others to build relationships and communicate effectively.

Learn Their Toolset

Learn their tools: Familiarize yourself with the resources, methods, and systems that others use in their work or interactions. 

What’s the best way to empathize with your users? Learn their tools and processes!

NASA aerospace systems engineers have been using spreadsheets for decades. Spreadsheets were used for the Apollo 11 mission that got us on the moon. Spreadsheets were also used to land the Perseverance rover on Mars.

Check out the image below. On the left is a photo of spreadsheets from the Apollo 11 mission that launched in July of 1969. On the right is a screenshot of JPL Mission Control during the landing of Perseverance landing on Mars. The computer screens are all displaying spreadsheets:

Since I’ve been at NASA JPL, I do a lot of my work in spreadsheets because my customers use them. Since adopting my customers’ preferred tool, I see the value in their work. I now understand my users better.

Be Resourceful

In addition to using my customers’ preferred tool, I have done a couple of additional things to help me get understand the NASA systems engineer.

I read this book: The Right Kind of Crazy by Dr. Adam Steltzner. Adam is a brilliant engineer at JPL who contributed a lot to our Mars missions. After reading his book, I understand the systems engineer’s mind even more!

Also, I took a Spacecraft Systems Engineering class. It is an introduction to spacecraft systems, systems engineering as applied to spacecraft, with a heavy focus on JPL processes and terminology.

The class was several weeks, every Friday afternoon, even RDO (Rostered Day Off) Fridays, for 3 hours. Real talk: I was lost 90% of the time, but it helped put the big picture together. It has helped me understand the concept of systems engineering and how it is applied to all of the work we do at JPL.

Because I use their tools, read papers and books written by my colleagues, and attend classes on a totally brand new subject that my customers live and breathe everyday, I understand my stakeholders – the systems engineers – and their tools and processes better.  

My message is the following: Use the research around you, be resourceful! Find little gems like these that give you further insight into your customers’ habits and motivations. Instead of stying in your bubble, befriend people who can help you learn and grow. The knowledge that you gain will help you empathize with people from other jobs and backgrounds. As understanding of how they think improves, cross-functional gravity problems gets easier.

Create Connections

Create connections: Build relationships and understand the perspectives of those you’re working with. 

“Human beings have a lot more similarities than we do differences – we’re just not very good at remembering this.”

– Jason Harris 

When you listen, and take an interest in others, you will find that you will have similarities. Having common interests with another person increases your working relationships.

One way to create connections is to be personable, be approachable. Why does this matter? Because “the habit of forging, maintaining, and valuing relationships is central to developing a persuasive character” (Jason Harris, The Soulful Art of Persuasion).

Another way to create connections is to have team outings! For example, my team and I have regular outings outside of work. And these outings are not just with my development team, we also invite our customers. We all get along and genuinely like each other.

Here is a photo of a very accurate depiction of one of our many team outings:

On top of team outings, you can set up an in-person coffee time, or virtual coffee time (if you are remote). This is a chance for walls to be down and have genuine conversations with others. I am a huge fan of hallway conversations. Often, you get so much more insights from a quick chat outside of the many stuffy meetings we attend daily.

“Informal conversations during the workday create an ideal opportunity to discover at least one common area of enjoyment. The important thing is to establish the bond early because it creates a presumption of goodwill and trustworthiness in every subsequent encounter.”

– Harvard Business Review, Influence & Persuasion

Nothing in Common?

No problemo.

Often, however, you find that you are really nothing like that other person. At first thought, it doesn’t seem like the two of you have anything in common. 

Here’s a example: A co-worker and I have nothing in common. Really. He likes cats, I like dogs. He hates sports, I love sports (both watching and playing sports.) I love cars, he doesn’t care for them at all. The list goes on.

And for us, it’s now a game. When we see each other, one of us says something that we like, and the other responds with their dislike. We describe ourselves as two bubbles in a Venn diagram that never meet. It looks like this:

Today, we continue to add to our list of differences. It has become our thing that connects us. And it’s fun. (So far, the only thing we have found that we both like is eating.) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Use Small Words

Use small words: Speak a similar language for understanding.

At JPL, We are already inundated with lots of big science words and so, so many acronyms. Plus, my stakeholders are already mystified by design, and that tends to lose them easily. So I save the big-50-cent-fluffy-design-terms and use simple words.

I’ve known designers who purposely use big design buzzwords to keep a layer of mystery to their work. I worked with a fellow designer who used those big design buzzwords with our own development team, and I did not. Can you guess what happened? The developers all came to me with any questions and concerns, and admittedly did not go to the big buzzword designer. 

The gist here is: if people don’t understand me, they won’t follow me.

Build a Rapport

Build a Rapport: When you find common interests with others, you’ll start to have better communication.

The key to effective persuasion is building rapport. People generally respond well to people who are like them. People like those who like them. Having similarities with another person increases your chances of persuading them to go along with your ideas. And making someone feel important and valued increases the chances of them agreeing with you (Artiom Dashinsky, The Effective Product Designer).

Uncover real similarities and offer genuine praise. To find those similarities, ask questions. And to charm a person or win them over, heap praise on them. When you think of something positive, don’t hold it in, say it (Jason Harris, The Soulful Art of Persuasion).

“Controlled research has identified several factors that reliably increase liking, but two stand out as especially compelling – similarity and praise. Similarity literally draws people together. In one experiment, reported in a 1968 article in the Journal of Personality, participants stood physically closer to one another after learning that they shared political beliefs ad social values.“

– Harvard Business Review, Influence & Persuasion

BE Authentic. Be You.

Connecting with others starts with being your genuine self. So, be comfortable and confident in who you are – be authentic, be you.

All of these insights about connecting – learning their tools, creating connections, using small words, and building a rapport – builds trust with all of the people we work with: our customers, our stakeholders, and our colleagues.

Focus on being authentic to create genuine connections with everyone around you and it will lead to trusting relationships. You will find that collaborations and discussions get easier. People start to come to you with anything on their mind: ideas, conversations, everything. There’s great power in that. That’s influence and persuasion.